bandages and broken dreams

its completely over. 3 years with some of the best and worst moments in my life will now fade completely into darkness.

as much as it hurts to say it, it should have been done sooner. instead, it took at least 2 years of unanswered prayers, pleading and begging before i admitted defeat.

it hasn't been the same since february of this year. he was up and down. i was demanding and moody. he had days where he is completely a romantic gentleman and days where he was the biggest douche-bag ever. he blamed me for things, taking them out of context, or he'd just bring up things that really shouldn't matter. so what if someone else "likes" my profile picture on facebook? i can't control that. i was a demanding bitch. i was content and happy, then i'd feel insecure.

we were both too stubborn to admit when we were wrong. he couldn't trust me. i had a lot of guy friends. i borderline flirted, but i knew not to take it too far. he thought i was naive. i thought he was jealous. i thought he was too by the book. he thought i was a feminist.

the flaws go on and on.

and instead of ending it quickly, i let it decay. we both took (metaphorical) pain pills and it would make everything good for a while, but as they wore off, we were back to the same sore spots. we didn't rip the bandage off quickly, we took our sweet time.

but with the ending of this story, i also lost another aspect of my life. i lost my best friend. normally i would still try to talk to him, but now i feel like the best thing to do is not to talk. if not forever then, for a really really long time. i lost the person i called to cuddle, to pray with, to love. to cook dinners for, watch movies with, and talk to everyday. to grab lunch with, to take me out, to surprise me with flowers. to kiss my nose, to massage my feet and hold hands with.

but i can't go back. i can't let myself hurt him. i can't keep letting him hurt me. thats love right? putting someone else above you? god knows i want nothing more right now than to sob into his chest and smell his cologne. to have him stroke my back, kiss my head and have him tell me it will be ok. but he won't. we won't.

i read on my friends blog : "why can’t I stop loving you?" its true right now. but maybe its because i'm afraid to let myself stop. where will everything from 3 years go? i know i will find someone else but my heart screams "where and when will i find love again?"

Sharing the Sisterhood

My sorority is holding recruitment through this week and next and I couldn't be more excited :) The idea of inviting more girls into our bond is truly a joyous thought.

Why am I so in love with my sorority?

I've known since my junior/senior year of high school that i would be in a sorority. Did I know who, how and when? Not at all. I remember looking at the sorority websites for my university and thinking that this was the niche that I wanted to be in. I can't explain why. Maybe it was the way each chapter wrote their descriptions of Philanthropy, Academics, Sisterhood and Social Life that lured me in. It looked like these organizations were the thing to be in and that appealed to my high school brain. I prejudged all the organizations based on their colors, mascots, flowers, symbols and othr things (btw, my favorite color is blue which is the colors for half the organizations.... including my own). Looking at the registration fee for recruitment tho i knew my parents would never go for it.... we weren't poor by any means, by i could see myself asking my parents for the $75 registration needed. I had the grades, the involvement and decent looks and social skills. Going in freshman year, it was bitter sweet to see all the girls with their doors decorated with various things from bid day. So i tried a different approach....

to make a long story not as long it failed.

Because I don't want to give too much info about myself away, I am a happy member of my organization. We have all kinds of girls: Ones that are really smart, and some not so smart (me being the lowest of the latter end of the spectrum), some that look like models, some that play sports, some that couldn't throw a ball. Everyone is different, but the amazing thing is we all get along. Last week i was walking around campus after a storm, ran into a sister, invited her to my apartment for a spontaneous dinner, and had a 3 hour conversation about politics, cheese, shirts, phones and cameras. and probably a bunch of other things i just can't remember right now. It was cool to see the bond me and some one, that I probably would never have met if this organization didn't exist, have.

Not just to people at my campus, but to people across the globe. The concept that a ritual, mottoes, and everything else that is unique to us binds us together for a lifetime is amazing. There are all kinds of sisters: atheists, theists, protestants, wiccans, lesbians, democrats, republicans, football lovers, dog lovers and everything else imaginable. I might not have anything else in common with one sister whom I've never met, but the fact that we are bound by vows would make me want to offer my hospitality if she needed a place to stay. or help in some other way if she needed it.

Basically I can't describe what my sorority is to me. When fraternity and sorority members say its for a life time, it truly is.