i have a new blog. I like it better bc of the way it lets you post, and stuffs. :) And i actually update it. A lot.
http://stilettosandsweettea.tumblr.com/

Easter.

From today on, I just want to forget all the conflicts of the past year, I want to forgive those that wronged me, and I want to move on in my life.

I think I've come to terms that he's spending the rest of his life with a rebound.

I'm not bitter. But this song explains it all :) and makes me smile

The Application of the "Final Letter"

Well its time that I applied what I wrote about in my last post.

I called him today. I'm not gonna lie, I missed talking to him. I went to B&N and saw a section of theology books and it reminded me of my theological debating. I heard some news that set me a back. Maybe because I'm still in mourning of the relationship, at least enough to know that I'm not ready to jump into another serious relationship. So to find out that he is now engaged to a girl he started dating 2 months ago, four months after we broke up after our 3 years is quite painful for me. But he didn't understand the pain. I could hear it in his voice... His voice was even taunting at some points of our conversation, and he even chuckled.

You confused me.

I cried long and hard. I felt replaceable. More than me, I felt my love was replaceable. Tell me that I didn't love you? You told me that I wasn't being replaced, because I wasn't yours but what about the love I gave you? I couldn't put my feelings into words. I couldn't speak. I kept running through all the things you had told me:

That if we broke up, it would take you a lot of time to heal, to fall in love again.
"Even though birth has placed you in a cell..." and all the words that all all the other poem had.
I looked at the stuffed dog with a heart in its mouth you gave me. I sprayed the heart with your cologne before spring break so i could still smell you. I've gotten rid of all the other stuff. But for some reason the dog is too cute and soft to get rid of.


I had given you my heart, and the value of it was lost on you. While I have moved on to a great guy (nothing too serious tho), I still remember you in little things. Just wondering how you were doing.

So really. I do wish you and your future bride nothing but happiness, prosperity, and everything else you could want. So far all the friends that I've told said "It won't last," but honestly thats not what I want. I want y'all to last. marriage is a scared commitment that shouldn't be taken lightly or planned with an escape route. You seemed happy, and honestly i could wish nothing better for you.

The final letter

After my mother asking me several times to clean my room i finally did it. I sorted through old choral sheet music from high school, and even the entire script from my senior year musical (irony, my "major supporting spoke maybe 5 lines in the entire 2 hour musical entirely in French, half of which were "Non").

Buried under the music was a card i bought to send my (now) ex-boyfriend. It had a picture of two doves and said something about how incomplete i feel apart from him.

I never sent it.

There were empty vases that held the one dozen pink and red roses, and the single rose from our summer apart, but there was also a notebook.

I used to see my boyfriend every day. yes. everyday. we figured to reduce seeing each other and get space to keep a notebook where we'd write letters in it when we missed each other....

my notebook had 2 letters. surrounded by doodles and hearts. looking through it i thought of a happier time, a time where i'd wake up after our after sunday church naps and thinking life was perfect. or when i'd cook dinner for a special occasion. but those memories are getting dimmer and dimmer. so i wrote a letter. the last one in the notebook. unlike the cheery happiness of the prior letters, this one was more serious but no less joyous.

it contained the joy of moving on, of wishing him the best,

the joy of picking up the pieces and an expectation of the new adventures to come in life.

Drowning in Music

recently i've fallen in love with the recording rooms they have on campus. i find myself locked in them when i'm not in class or doing coursework. i lose myself in the notes that escape me, smile as i immerse myself in the meanings of the lyrics, and listen for the harmonies i add in layers on the tracks.

i decided to go record myself when i realized that listening to myself on my phone to make adjustments wasn't great. there was a ton of distortion and i sounded nasally. my webcam is a piece of crap and would go out every other note. a friend told me to sing for them constantly, because they loved my loved my voice and due to the long distance nature of our relationship, i decided this was a great way. i've looked into more songs, covers and sheet music than i have all semester.

i also walk around campus with headphones and if its a vacant area, like an empty elevator, i sing :)

its uplifting.

look back at my last post, i was filled with so much spite at the time.

so much has happened since then.

my new routine is to sit outside of the engineering buildings and face the administration building every tuesday and thursday. i'm there for at least 30 mins and i just sit there, meditate, pray, think, relax. I love it.